The Dreaded Money Conversation

It has been a week since I have returned home to New York from Dallas. My four siblings and I were all home for five days. From the endless dishes to the running children, we definitely reached our limit at the five-day mark. But we didn’t mind it so much because we thought our parents truly enjoyed our presence and wanted us all home.

I do think my mother enjoyed us all being home. She cooked enough food for an army and spent every waking minute with her grandkids. Our father, it seems, had a different time. I’m not sure what I was expecting but I assumed he would have been in happier spirits.

The last time I was home was Thanksgiving and he seemed so sad when I was leaving, wishing all his kids were around him to be with him. But this time, we had some difficult conversations, mainly one difficult conversation - finances.

Money is a touchy subject

Since his Parkinson’s diagnosis and more so, since his cognitive impairment diagnosis, he seems to have forgotten how to manage his money. He often forgets purchases he made and maxes out credit cards while bills still need to be paid.

My sisters and I had to sit down with him and my mother, examine the monthly income and expenses, and review the credit card debt. Money is a touchy subject for most, I imagine, but for my father, a man who has cared for himself financially since he was a little boy, the most touchy subject.

In his mind, he is the head of the household and he is to manage his money as he pleases. What he is failing to understand is how he is no longer able to do so responsibly.

Difficult conversation

Naturally, the conversation had its heated moments.  We are not a family without baggage. What was more unnerving was to see him watch us take over his responsibilities as a man. He seemed so angry we were helping.

I know what we are doing is not easy for him. He felt his responsibility for his family came from providing for them and here we are taking away his responsibilities. But it boggles me how he cannot see the damage he is causing by not managing his finances properly. Or even worse, how he is leaving himself open to terrible things like debt collectors.

The hardest question

I wonder, is his inability to understand the consequences of his decisions a part of his disease? Or is that him simply being a stubborn old man? Which leads me and my family to the hardest question of it all - where does the disease begin and the man end? What parts of his new shortcomings are him and what parts Parkinson’s?

But what does it matter to even answer the question?

Neither parts are to be reasoned with. We cannot spend his final years fighting him for every penny he puts towards a frivolous expense.

Moving forward

We can find ways to protect him and figuring that out is a whole other journey. It must be done and it will take time. I mean, we are nearly four years into his retirement and we still don’t know how to manage his budget.

I wish I could give him an endless pit of money to spend as he wishes; Lord knows he has worked hard enough to earn that right. But does anyone truly get that? Even in their old age? Even if they have Parkinson’s disease? I think that’s a trial enough even with all the money in the world.