A woman playing tug of war with her self on one side she wants to keep doing what she loves and on the other she is reminded to slow down.

Just an Excuse?

Posy wonders if her brain created a proper disease as an excuse for her increasing physical and depressive ailments.

Of course, Posy is apt to blame herself for everything. But this thought worries her, more on her good days rather than when she is bedridden with fatigue.

Something changed

If you were to interview Posy's lifetime friends and family, they would describe the Posy they once knew as having been driven and energetic. She could not rest, and worked through the night until her tasks, projects, unpacking, spring cleaning, and learning a concert piece were finished.

Something changed when Posy herself gave birth. From then onwards, although she maintained her frantic schedule, all Posy really wanted was to have some sleep.

Nevertheless, she continued to rush as before and expected her poor baby to fit in somehow. Everything must be perfect! Why? Goodness knows!

Does Parkinson's want payback?

When Posy had pneumonia, was her brain instructing her body to give her a break? Maybe this was her body's response to her brain saying,"This is too much. Stop NOW!"

There is a therapist on Youtube who advocates learning to control your mind so that you can control your brain, thereby controlling what happens in your body. It makes sense on several levels. But you would need incredible determination, insight and guidance to harness such mind control, especially if you were in the midst of a breakdown.

However, just recently, Posy was so involved in staging her new musical, that she managed to work through many nights, and survived on feeling uplifted and happy. Now that it is over, she is exhausted all over again. Is her Parkinson's disease demanding "payback time?"

Desperate for rest

How can she get away with saying she is sorry not to be coping as well as she did a few weeks ago? Every time Posy has an out of home event, such as an hour teaching children to sing, going for a walk or rehearsing for little concerts in church, she returns home desperate for a rest.

This is a different Posy from the one who laughed, created, and rushed around a few weeks ago. What is going on here? Is Posy selfish with her energy, reserving it only for what she really wants to do?

You would think that Posy had got the hang of pushing through the down times. For months, she worked 24/7 many times. And, at 1:30 AM or 4:00 AM ... she knew that the band needed their parts, so she HAD to focus her mind on all those pieces and piles of paper.

Sheet music papers, pens, and mugs spread out on a sunny table.

Trying to stay determined

She is trying to maintain that determination, but fatigue is a strong enemy! At the moment, she is suffering panic attacks again. Her leg pain is threatening to return, and although she copes fairly well when the sun is shining, the early darkness consumes her joy like a hungry monster.

Is Posy a fraud? Is she weak-minded? Or is this "just" what it is like to have Parkinson's?

During the exhausting, trying times leading up to her diagnosis, when she had numerous ailments, was she subconsciously instructing her brain to manufacture an illness?

Was this something that would allow her to say to the world: "I'm sorry. I need to pace myself" or "I can't pull myself together ..." "I can't commit to your event in case I am too tired ... And I have a good reason: I have an illness."

If the diagnostic DatScan tests taken in early 2017 had not revealed an almost total loss of dopamine, Posy might tend to agree.

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