On Feeling Foggy and Feeble
When times are good, Posy feels on top of the world, but then there will be a "down" day, wherein Posy feels unwell, tired out, and worthless. This also can happen several times a day each time the meds wear off.
However, recently, Posy was delighted to be enjoying an extended pretty good time. For a few weeks, she was just about feeling her old self again.
Feeling like herself
She had an enjoyable 3 day visit to the west country. She was helping others with their problems, inspiring those who were struggling and rejoicing in others' achievements.
She was enthusiastic, making plans, seeing a future, looking forward to new things in life, maintaining piano practice, composing, and completing housework. Wow!
But, being Posy, she took the opportunity to spring clean the house, and to do too much of everything. After all, in her "old" life, she had once been a whirlwind of activity and achievement!
A sudden panic attack
Then, suddenly, she had a massive panic attack. With racing heartbeat, incomprehensible anxiety, a return of restless legs, and unbelievable fatigue. Posy felt as though her meds were not working.
This panic feeling lasted until 3:30 AM the next morning, by which time she had consumed 4 mg of diazepam on top of her other medications. (This is not to be recommended, but she was desperate.)
Awake again at 4:30 AM, she still felt the same, and the following week was a write-off. She couldn't force herself to wake up. Even when partially awake, she felt one step away from her very real dreams.
It felt like sleep paralysis. It felt as though her sleep life had taken over and her dreams were the reality. If you watched the clever movie "The Others" with Nicole Kidman, you will understand this strange feeling.
Trying to relax
Sleeping all day, and most nights, she had finally managed to open her eyes. Now, she is treading carefully, trying not to wear herself out by catching up with everything, but oh, it is so tempting!
She has cleaned herself up, cleaned the kitchen (and not the whole house) and could not resist writing this blog while it was fresh in her mind. Too often, as the bad moment receded, it is impossible to recall the details, or to remember just how bad it was.
The mind tries to shut out bad experiences when it can, so the mind of a Parkie must be kept super-busy with all the ups and downs of this condition.
What will happen next?
Has anyone else out there experienced this? Posy is utterly terrified of losing her mind to Alzheimer's, but, honestly, that drowsiness seemed to be closing down her brain.
Even texting was too overwhelming; addition was too tiring and conversations too demanding. Playing the piano was unthinkable. Just getting out of bed seemed a challenge too far.
Posy was left wondering if her brain had cleverly shut her down in order to recover from over-use? Or, was this a frightening sign of things to come? Do the good episodes become less and less frequent, until one is surrounded in fog 24/7?
Whatever the cause, it was a horrible experience, and one which, in sincerity and possible naïveté, Posy hopes does not affect you.
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