Posy wonders if she is a fraud. There is definitely something wrong with Posy. Well, there has been for a long while, actually.
If you have been following her blogs and articles, you will know already the litany of small but annoying health problems she experienced before hitting the jackpot with a diagnosis of Parkinson’s in 2017.
Maintaining high standards
Posy had spent her young life gallivanting around the globe, surviving on little sleep, giving her all. Just "getting by" was not in her vernacular. Posy was one of life's competitors. Her demands were made only of herself. She jumped at every opportunity to perform, however inconvenient or challenging, beating herself up if she felt she had not done her absolute best.
Childbirth gave her life pause, as she was mostly alone with her baby, 4,000 miles from home. Posy tried 24/7 to be the best mother she could be for the sake of this precious being, but she rated her efforts as falling very short of the ideal.
For the sake of her marriage (and herself, to be honest,) Posy tried to be the same person she had always been. Hindsight has revealed this was not easy, or even really achievable, and Posy fears her child suffered as a result.
From bad to sad
Sadly, her marriage did not survive. Divorce, returning home with a child, and starting over were very stressful tasks. But niggly health issues impeded her progress. Just as migraines had persecuted her in the USA, insomnia, anxiety, pneumonia, depression, carpal tunnel, frozen shoulder, sciatica, trigger finger, and painful knees, dogged her daily life and made her feel inefficient and weak.
Giving her all to her job as Music Director/Composer in Residence in a school, plus her musical theater work, took every ounce of her energy. Posy had nothing much left to give when she got home.
Somehow, her daughter made it through school, but was unsettled and unhappy. Posy was exhausted and barked up a lot of wrong trees trying to help. How she wishes she had been able to slow down and live her daughter's life with her.
Posy is full of regret that she didn't spend time just hanging out with her and trying to comprehend her point of view. Luckily, when Posy's father needed her, she realized what was important and was able to give up her main career to look after him.
Although a diagnosis of Parkinson’s was an unexpected blow, at the time it actually alleviated some of Posy’s burden of shame at being so constantly fatigued! It cannot release all of the blame for Posy's deficiencies as a mum, but it was a fair excuse for the constant exhaustion.
Is PD to blame for everything?
Cut to now: In a way, Posy is living "the life of Reilly." Sitting in the sunshine in her idyllic English cottage garden. She still finds it hard to believe she has an actual disease. As she walks around, dead-heading the roses, she is in a kind of paradise. Mind you, she walks a little more slowly and stiffly than she would like. Why is this? Oh, yes, she has Parkinson’s. Or, perhaps it is because she just has not spent enough effort exercising?
Is Parkinson’s itself really to blame for everything? Or is Posy beginning to use it as an excuse for her shortcomings?
Every morning of every day of every year since giving birth, Posy has had to drag herself out of bed. Presumably, a restless baby set up a pattern whereby 6 AM to 9 AM would have been the easiest time to sleep. Daily life and then work demanded she must rise, if not shine, at ungodly hours.
Every day, Posy felt nauseous and panicky for having got up too soon. It is well known that lack of sleep causes a myriad of problems. So, is the ghastly fatigue that Posy experiences attributable to having PD, or is it a manifestation of not getting 8 hours ... er ... ever?!
Careful what you wish for
Maybe bad sleep habits are a contributing factor to getting Parkinson’s? One way or another, it is not good for your health and well-being to live without good sleep. Posy used to crave having a "duvet day." Now, she can have one whenever she is exhausted!
Oops ... be careful what you wish for!
Do you or a loved one experience micrographia (small handwriting)?