I’m Not Fine

People often ask me some version of “how are you doing?” I usually respond, with as much gusto as I can summon, “I’m doing fine!” But, I know that what I just said is not true. What should I have answered? I, as do many people with Parkinson’s, have a hard time figuring out what people really mean by the question. Let’s see, is it just a perfunctory question or do they really want to know? Really wanting to know “how am I doing” could take awhile. Lyrics from an old John Denver song, Some Days are Diamond, keep running through my head and they describe what I can’t seem to say: "When you asked how I've been here without you, I'd like to say I've been fine and I do, but we both know the truth is hard to come by, and if I told the truth that's not quite true, some days are diamonds, some days are stone.”

The truth is I’m not fine. I have Parkinson’s and, like many people who have chronic neurological diseases, I have bad days, not so good days, and a few good days. I sometimes think I’m on a roller coaster. In my case, depression is a large part of those bad days, as is waking up with negative thoughts and exacerbated symptoms and apathy. I usually don’t respond to the “how are you doing” question as I might like to. A few times, I have responded with “I’m not fine” when the person only thought they meant a social question. Lesson learned!

In my case, bad days, not so good days and even some good days often seem to be a combination of depression, increased motor symptoms (tremors, bad or slow communication between brain and legs, pain in left foot, pain in lower back, and increased apathy). Experiencing all these symptoms usually turns my positive attitude into a negative attitude, and I often have anxiety attacks if I can’t break the pattern.

Breaking the pattern

I often need a prompt. It can sometimes be processing that question “How are you doing?” Or having a random thought like “Phil, what are you doing? You know better. Remember your coping skills!” Those thoughts almost always remind me to have a conversation with my wife/best friend/caregiver, and tell her what’s going on. She might remind me that Parkinson’s is a strange disease frequently playing chameleon and then drill down to the issue that started this particular pity party. She may suggest using my coping skills.

My coping skills start with deep breathing. If that doesn’t work, I may switch to an exercise on how to turn my negative thoughts into positive ones. If that doesn’t work, I might start an exercise I call counting your blessings. What am I grateful for? Who do I need to thank for being in my life? I often find my coping mechanisms will shift me back into a positive attitude. That may start a cascade effect and I find my improved attitude lowering my stress levels. Having lowered my stress levels will cause my actual physical symptoms to decrease or fade away. As for depression and apathy, they become less intense. What I am suggesting is that most of my bad days originate in my brain.

Answering honestly with Parkinson's

As to answering the question, I often respond with “I’m doing OK”. I’ve found that answering with a vague answer frequently seems to satisfy the question the person was asking. So, while I have learned how to not yell “I’m not fine”, I still can end up talking about health details I don’t necessarily want to share. All of this started because a lot of people with Parkinson’s do not like to respond to the question “how are you doing?” or its variations. And, instead they often respond with the shortest possible answer like “I am fine.” What they actually end up doing is passing up opportunities to actually communicate with other people about dealing with Parkinson’s.

I now think truthfully answering the question is a better option than pushing someone away with a trite, no real information exchanged. I have discovered talking with someone can be quite cathartic. I try to, as succinctly as I can answer the question ”how are you doing?” I no longer respond with “I’m fine”. I may answer with some version of “I’m having a few problems.” I quickly find out whether or not they really want the long or the short answer if they ask another question. I hope sharing my techniques may provide you with some tips on how to deal with the “how are you doing” question. Yes, it’s complicated. How do you respond when asked “how are you doing?”