overwhelmed

I am so invested in understanding all of the terms and medications, symptoms, that my head is spinning. I want to catch up at a difficult time cognitively. Lately I am losing short term memory and am generally confused. I'm having difficulty finding words and speaking, I have a kind of stutter, then there is intense paranoia. I keep thinking people hate me. I write bazar emails asking them and then feel foolish. very hard on myself.

I have a great neurology group offering support on all these levels of concern, but have only just started working with them. I have guilt for being a burden, can't walk or use my hands, can't write not even a signature. I am always in pain everything hurts, i freeze up, experience inertia and apathy. all of it. it was progressing before my diagnose, which i also doubt is true. sometimes i just doubt I even have PD
Mostly I fall which is what got me in to see a neurologist in the first place. so I know i had it for years before. It was slowly cooking.
I don't know where I am in the progression but it is suddenly worse auiockly.
As i read more i get the symptoms and mental instability. At pt they told me I'm not moving my arms when i walk which is why i fell flat on my face breaking my nose, i didn't put my hands out to break the fall.
Mostly i am very hard on myself and find i apologize too often. I m very grateful for my friends and some of my family those who can accept it.
I hate that I can't offer more to my husband who has picked up the pieces of my life. Thank you for tolerating my venting. This time I am really scared, much more than the cancer diagnosis, or lupus or RA or blood clots, i eat pills like they are meals. I buy groceries then don't have the energy to cook.
These sites are saving my life thank you